Thursday, December 31, 2015
Bijoux...
I titled this blog "Bijoux B."
These are names I've taken on myself over the years, though I have a few of those... Sacred names. Each which I feel reflect an aspect of myself or something I'd like to reflect. Anadyomene - She who arose (reflecting my journey, and also beauty since it relates to Venus). Astargatis - The Meremaid Goddess of Love to the Mesopotamians. Gwenhwyfar - the Ancient root for Jennifer, and another name related to goddess culture (the Celts, my people, in this case).
Bijoux/Bijou in french means a gem or something small and precious. My taking that on evolved from the route of "B." Which is a name that was once given me by a cute little blonde boy in grade school who would yell "I love you, B!" from the rafters. Bee was my first screen name online. I always held that name as my own little secret. As a reflection of who I was deep down who no one else knew. A name no one else could or would use.
I was about 27 and dealing with some various issues, including feeling very rejected by someone who I had come to care for. I met a "healer" who went by the name of Diana Phoenix. She was rather... odd. However she did know her stuff. I recall she worked on me twice. Once I just kind of fell into it... I had gone to a meditation she was hosting, however I was the only one who showed up. During this meeting she suggested that she do something in relation to releasing energetic angel wings trapped in my back. I had paid the money. I didn't buy what she was saying, but I figured I was there... so what the Hell. Then she started cutting, and pulling and the pain was intense. When she was done I felt the weight of these etheric wings on my back, dragging me down... and oddly enough never hit a red traffic lights for two days... true story. I don't feel them anymore, and perhaps it was all suggestion... who knows. However I did chose based on this experience to go and see her again, in which she put me on a massage table and she worked on me, energetically, for about an hour or more (it seemed like an eternity). Some of what came up and witnessed itself to me during that session is very personal, and I went deeper than I even had in any meditation or journey prior. The reason I tell this story as well, is that I walked away with something that came into my mind, in relation to the situation with the person I had cared for. Words. Asking me "What did C and R teach you." R is the one who gave me the name B. I know both had huge crushes on me as a child. I know both tried really hard for a long long time to catch my attention. I know I treated them both poorly (I was scared of men due to certain factors). What I came to though is that I was someone to be valued... valued enough that even as children these two kept coming back and trying. That I deserved a man as an adult who would do that, and also that I needed to see that value in myself.
Bijoux, or B., are the names that have come to stand for seeing myself as something of value. More than that, it's a promise to myself in a way. To see myself that way. To care for myself. To love myself, truly, if possible. Using them makes me feel vulnerable. Naked even. B. especially has been my secret. It feels raw to put it to the world and say "This is part of who I am." And perhaps that's the point... Because I am and have been B., every bit as much as I've been Jenn. Because opening up and using it, talking about it, explaining it, forces me... in perhaps a way only I can understand... to grow.
These are names I've taken on myself over the years, though I have a few of those... Sacred names. Each which I feel reflect an aspect of myself or something I'd like to reflect. Anadyomene - She who arose (reflecting my journey, and also beauty since it relates to Venus). Astargatis - The Meremaid Goddess of Love to the Mesopotamians. Gwenhwyfar - the Ancient root for Jennifer, and another name related to goddess culture (the Celts, my people, in this case).
Bijoux/Bijou in french means a gem or something small and precious. My taking that on evolved from the route of "B." Which is a name that was once given me by a cute little blonde boy in grade school who would yell "I love you, B!" from the rafters. Bee was my first screen name online. I always held that name as my own little secret. As a reflection of who I was deep down who no one else knew. A name no one else could or would use.
I was about 27 and dealing with some various issues, including feeling very rejected by someone who I had come to care for. I met a "healer" who went by the name of Diana Phoenix. She was rather... odd. However she did know her stuff. I recall she worked on me twice. Once I just kind of fell into it... I had gone to a meditation she was hosting, however I was the only one who showed up. During this meeting she suggested that she do something in relation to releasing energetic angel wings trapped in my back. I had paid the money. I didn't buy what she was saying, but I figured I was there... so what the Hell. Then she started cutting, and pulling and the pain was intense. When she was done I felt the weight of these etheric wings on my back, dragging me down... and oddly enough never hit a red traffic lights for two days... true story. I don't feel them anymore, and perhaps it was all suggestion... who knows. However I did chose based on this experience to go and see her again, in which she put me on a massage table and she worked on me, energetically, for about an hour or more (it seemed like an eternity). Some of what came up and witnessed itself to me during that session is very personal, and I went deeper than I even had in any meditation or journey prior. The reason I tell this story as well, is that I walked away with something that came into my mind, in relation to the situation with the person I had cared for. Words. Asking me "What did C and R teach you." R is the one who gave me the name B. I know both had huge crushes on me as a child. I know both tried really hard for a long long time to catch my attention. I know I treated them both poorly (I was scared of men due to certain factors). What I came to though is that I was someone to be valued... valued enough that even as children these two kept coming back and trying. That I deserved a man as an adult who would do that, and also that I needed to see that value in myself.
Bijoux, or B., are the names that have come to stand for seeing myself as something of value. More than that, it's a promise to myself in a way. To see myself that way. To care for myself. To love myself, truly, if possible. Using them makes me feel vulnerable. Naked even. B. especially has been my secret. It feels raw to put it to the world and say "This is part of who I am." And perhaps that's the point... Because I am and have been B., every bit as much as I've been Jenn. Because opening up and using it, talking about it, explaining it, forces me... in perhaps a way only I can understand... to grow.
Why...
In the past when I've created a blog there was some sort of theme.
A "something" specific I wanted to talk about, or speak too. I'll admit, often as not, that's been ego based. "Here I am being spiritual," "Here I am doing this experiment and perhaps if I can make it work I can make some money at it."
Having crested 40 in 2015, and now about to enter 2016.... there's just a different vibe.
The vibe has been evolving for the past few weeks. The vibe has been moving from how I project myself externally, to more of an internal mode. It's about becoming me focused in a way where it really is about me, and not about other people. It's become more about truly being in love with myself, and excellent self care.
At least that's the hope.
Even today as I sat reflecting on creating this blog and how I wanted to encapsulate what I've been feeling in words, I found myself doubting. I wanted "Beauty" to be my background. I typed that in and was bombarded with a ton of young women, with... short chins, LOL. It triggered me in two ways... First, I've been struggling with aging. I've been fortunate that I've always been "pretty." I could pack on the weight, but my face remained attractive. I've noticed of late what I read someone somewhere related to as being "Orange Peel Skin." I know I'm the only one who sees it, or how my facial skin isn't as tight as it use to be. I still have no wrinkles, etc., but.... it's something that took me from the ideal in the last post (seeing myself as precious and valuable), to feeling like utter shit about myself. The other funny thing that triggered me was that I noticed everyone had dainty chins. I. Do. Not. My Mom had a great chin. Mine is long. It bugs me. I have the long face gene that pops up in the family at times.
The thing is... these two ideas... took me from a very centered vibe of "Taking care of me," to self ridicule and pain.
The funny thing is that when I go into that mode, it's exactly when I don't see myself as precious, and don't treat myself as such.
So this will be a process. A practice. It's odd to think of being kind to yourself, and caring for yourself as a discipline, but for me at least, that's what it feels a bit like.
So the why of this blog... back to topic... Mainly it's just to note down my thoughts, my process from time to time when I feel inspired to do so. No big ideals. No grand subtext. Just Me.
A "something" specific I wanted to talk about, or speak too. I'll admit, often as not, that's been ego based. "Here I am being spiritual," "Here I am doing this experiment and perhaps if I can make it work I can make some money at it."
Having crested 40 in 2015, and now about to enter 2016.... there's just a different vibe.
The vibe has been evolving for the past few weeks. The vibe has been moving from how I project myself externally, to more of an internal mode. It's about becoming me focused in a way where it really is about me, and not about other people. It's become more about truly being in love with myself, and excellent self care.
At least that's the hope.
Even today as I sat reflecting on creating this blog and how I wanted to encapsulate what I've been feeling in words, I found myself doubting. I wanted "Beauty" to be my background. I typed that in and was bombarded with a ton of young women, with... short chins, LOL. It triggered me in two ways... First, I've been struggling with aging. I've been fortunate that I've always been "pretty." I could pack on the weight, but my face remained attractive. I've noticed of late what I read someone somewhere related to as being "Orange Peel Skin." I know I'm the only one who sees it, or how my facial skin isn't as tight as it use to be. I still have no wrinkles, etc., but.... it's something that took me from the ideal in the last post (seeing myself as precious and valuable), to feeling like utter shit about myself. The other funny thing that triggered me was that I noticed everyone had dainty chins. I. Do. Not. My Mom had a great chin. Mine is long. It bugs me. I have the long face gene that pops up in the family at times.
The thing is... these two ideas... took me from a very centered vibe of "Taking care of me," to self ridicule and pain.
The funny thing is that when I go into that mode, it's exactly when I don't see myself as precious, and don't treat myself as such.
So this will be a process. A practice. It's odd to think of being kind to yourself, and caring for yourself as a discipline, but for me at least, that's what it feels a bit like.
So the why of this blog... back to topic... Mainly it's just to note down my thoughts, my process from time to time when I feel inspired to do so. No big ideals. No grand subtext. Just Me.
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