I titled this blog "Bijoux B."
These are names I've taken on myself over the years, though I have a few of those... Sacred names. Each which I feel reflect an aspect of myself or something I'd like to reflect. Anadyomene - She who arose (reflecting my journey, and also beauty since it relates to Venus). Astargatis - The Meremaid Goddess of Love to the Mesopotamians. Gwenhwyfar - the Ancient root for Jennifer, and another name related to goddess culture (the Celts, my people, in this case).
Bijoux/Bijou in french means a gem or something small and precious. My taking that on evolved from the route of "B." Which is a name that was once given me by a cute little blonde boy in grade school who would yell "I love you, B!" from the rafters. Bee was my first screen name online. I always held that name as my own little secret. As a reflection of who I was deep down who no one else knew. A name no one else could or would use.
I was about 27 and dealing with some various issues, including feeling very rejected by someone who I had come to care for. I met a "healer" who went by the name of Diana Phoenix. She was rather... odd. However she did know her stuff. I recall she worked on me twice. Once I just kind of fell into it... I had gone to a meditation she was hosting, however I was the only one who showed up. During this meeting she suggested that she do something in relation to releasing energetic angel wings trapped in my back. I had paid the money. I didn't buy what she was saying, but I figured I was there... so what the Hell. Then she started cutting, and pulling and the pain was intense. When she was done I felt the weight of these etheric wings on my back, dragging me down... and oddly enough never hit a red traffic lights for two days... true story. I don't feel them anymore, and perhaps it was all suggestion... who knows. However I did chose based on this experience to go and see her again, in which she put me on a massage table and she worked on me, energetically, for about an hour or more (it seemed like an eternity). Some of what came up and witnessed itself to me during that session is very personal, and I went deeper than I even had in any meditation or journey prior. The reason I tell this story as well, is that I walked away with something that came into my mind, in relation to the situation with the person I had cared for. Words. Asking me "What did C and R teach you." R is the one who gave me the name B. I know both had huge crushes on me as a child. I know both tried really hard for a long long time to catch my attention. I know I treated them both poorly (I was scared of men due to certain factors). What I came to though is that I was someone to be valued... valued enough that even as children these two kept coming back and trying. That I deserved a man as an adult who would do that, and also that I needed to see that value in myself.
Bijoux, or B., are the names that have come to stand for seeing myself as something of value. More than that, it's a promise to myself in a way. To see myself that way. To care for myself. To love myself, truly, if possible. Using them makes me feel vulnerable. Naked even. B. especially has been my secret. It feels raw to put it to the world and say "This is part of who I am." And perhaps that's the point... Because I am and have been B., every bit as much as I've been Jenn. Because opening up and using it, talking about it, explaining it, forces me... in perhaps a way only I can understand... to grow.
These are names I've taken on myself over the years, though I have a few of those... Sacred names. Each which I feel reflect an aspect of myself or something I'd like to reflect. Anadyomene - She who arose (reflecting my journey, and also beauty since it relates to Venus). Astargatis - The Meremaid Goddess of Love to the Mesopotamians. Gwenhwyfar - the Ancient root for Jennifer, and another name related to goddess culture (the Celts, my people, in this case).
Bijoux/Bijou in french means a gem or something small and precious. My taking that on evolved from the route of "B." Which is a name that was once given me by a cute little blonde boy in grade school who would yell "I love you, B!" from the rafters. Bee was my first screen name online. I always held that name as my own little secret. As a reflection of who I was deep down who no one else knew. A name no one else could or would use.
I was about 27 and dealing with some various issues, including feeling very rejected by someone who I had come to care for. I met a "healer" who went by the name of Diana Phoenix. She was rather... odd. However she did know her stuff. I recall she worked on me twice. Once I just kind of fell into it... I had gone to a meditation she was hosting, however I was the only one who showed up. During this meeting she suggested that she do something in relation to releasing energetic angel wings trapped in my back. I had paid the money. I didn't buy what she was saying, but I figured I was there... so what the Hell. Then she started cutting, and pulling and the pain was intense. When she was done I felt the weight of these etheric wings on my back, dragging me down... and oddly enough never hit a red traffic lights for two days... true story. I don't feel them anymore, and perhaps it was all suggestion... who knows. However I did chose based on this experience to go and see her again, in which she put me on a massage table and she worked on me, energetically, for about an hour or more (it seemed like an eternity). Some of what came up and witnessed itself to me during that session is very personal, and I went deeper than I even had in any meditation or journey prior. The reason I tell this story as well, is that I walked away with something that came into my mind, in relation to the situation with the person I had cared for. Words. Asking me "What did C and R teach you." R is the one who gave me the name B. I know both had huge crushes on me as a child. I know both tried really hard for a long long time to catch my attention. I know I treated them both poorly (I was scared of men due to certain factors). What I came to though is that I was someone to be valued... valued enough that even as children these two kept coming back and trying. That I deserved a man as an adult who would do that, and also that I needed to see that value in myself.
Bijoux, or B., are the names that have come to stand for seeing myself as something of value. More than that, it's a promise to myself in a way. To see myself that way. To care for myself. To love myself, truly, if possible. Using them makes me feel vulnerable. Naked even. B. especially has been my secret. It feels raw to put it to the world and say "This is part of who I am." And perhaps that's the point... Because I am and have been B., every bit as much as I've been Jenn. Because opening up and using it, talking about it, explaining it, forces me... in perhaps a way only I can understand... to grow.
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